01 Issue-1 · 1 of 14
In my two-year sabbatical of sin, I found you
With my non-dominant handI typed the words “Long haired twink”On a sleazy website bearing the logo of a rodent
And you appeared
In a turned-off shower still beaded with water dropletsYou faced the camera with a cheeky grinDripping black hair tumbling over your damp shouldersYour thin, pale flesh exposed for ravenous eyes
Speaking of eyes, I don’t remember the color of yoursWhy would I remember When my own devoured every part of you not meant for public consumption?
I remember the sharp angles of your faceThe wicked curve of your full lipsYour blush-pink nipplesYour intact cock in hand
For some reason, I noticed the label “Romanian”Tucked in between other search termsLike “gay” and “twink” and “shower”Above a comment section littered with pleas for greater sins
To the boldest of your viewersTouching yourself and saying sexy wordsWas not enough to quell their lonely, violent appetitesThey begged for greater debasementMore degradation than you willingly provided
Not one kind word to praise your true beauty
I was among those who gleefully abused youIn my languishing soul and lust-broken heartA living, foreign sex doll for my viewing pleasureOne without name or thoughts or needs
When I picked up my Rosary againNeeding peace from my objectifying, pornographic loopI found I could not leave youYour innocent sinfulness haunted my every waking dream
Do you know how many prayers have poured from my repentant heart?How guilty I felt seeking my gratification rather than your love?How many Hail Marys have spilled from my lips?How often I have imagined Christ embracing you?
Whenever you appear, I begin with the words“For the Romanian Man with the Long Dark Hair Whose Name I May Never Know”And imagine Jesus turning off your webcamWrapping you in a warm, fluffy, white robeThen sharing a hot cup of tea at your kitchen table
Once you are somewhat dressed and sipping teaI pray five decades in earnest without distractionThat you may find peace, grace, respect, and agape-loveAnd come to know yourself as one made in His imageJust as 2,862 Hail Marys in my 54-day Novena taught me
I pray you find my prayers somehowForgive me for making you my soulful sex toyLeave the world of commodified flesh behind for LOVELearn to steward all your gifts from God, as I struggle to learnSo someday we may meet in Heaven
Amen